While the East Coast is heading into 'fall' - cool winds, autumnal trees, birds flocking South - LA has had a charming mid-September heatwave, and has been averaging temperatures of 40 degrees for the past week. (Autumn? What the F**K is Autumn?) Things like eggs and my brain are spontaneously combusting and cooking themselves. I fill my water bottle with around 8 blocks of ice each day and by the time I reach the bus stop, they've already melted. I don't so much walk as I do swim through the air, it's so oppressive and thick. Also, sleep? Ha. Sleep. It's a thing of the past. Who needs it anyway. I DO, damn it! But it's elusive as hell when the temperature doesn't drop below 24 at night. So, here are my tips on how to cope with living on the surface of the sun:
1. Water
SO MUCH WATER. Seriously. I've been drinking at least 2 litres of water a day, and that's just water. Then there's the copious amount of iced tea. My kidneys have not suffered such a deluge since the diet-craze of 2010.
2. The UCLA swimming pool at Sunset Recreation Centre
This is the best place. There is a huge swimming pool manned by steamy lifeguards who are relieved by yet more steamy lifeguards on the half hour. Seriously, how much eye-candy can a girl handle. Also, it has a slow lane and a 'recreation' lane for those of us who can only swim doggy paddle, or who just want to sit on the steps and soak in the delicious coolness. And then, when you get a bit chilly (CHILLY, how delightful!) you can hop out and lie on a recliner in the shade where for some reason there is a breeze (apparently the rest of the city is devoid of this natural delight), bold and inquisitive squirrels, and the odd spider.
3. UCLA's bizarre air conditioning that only operates at subarctic temperatures
So, it's 35 degrees outside and I'll be sitting in the library wearing a sweater WITH THE HOOD ON TOO because it's so cold inside that my hands ache. The classrooms are also freezing. We have to brave the wall of heat in order to defrost every couple of hours (you can feel your skin tingling as it warms up). It's particularly bad in the library, which is where I spend 90% of my time on campus (I've actually considered sleeping there).
Fortunately, all this extra time in the library means I have been able to get a lot of work done.
4. Stay the hell away from the beach/stove/outdoors/hiking activities/movement of any kind before 4 in the afternoon
Just lie there in the dark with a cool damp cloth on your forehead and pray for rain (which will never come because this is LA and there's a drought on). The other (crazy) LLMs seem intent on taking hikes between 9 am and midday every Saturday even when it's 36 degrees in the shade. All I can say to that is NNNNNO. The sane among us, like P, agree with me. Apparently the old adage should be adjusted to, 'Only mad dogs, Englishmen and international LLMs go out in the midday sun.' Context: by 9 am it's generally over 25 degrees. That ain't going nowhere but downhill.
5. ICE CREAM/ICE/ICED-TEA/COLD THINGS
I generally walk around with a block of ice in my mouth. It hurts my mouth, but the rest of me cools right down. Also, ice cream is the best (R orders 2 pints every few weeks, so we don't run out - nutella and hazelnut? MMMMM! But it's not exactly paleo compliant). Iced-rooibos. Cocktails. Cups of chopped up fruit.
6. Buy an air conditioner
I'm too broke for this, but am considering taking a swing at crowd-sourcing. If all my readers give me $5, I'll be able to afford one. Who am I kidding, I'd be able to afford a chocolate sundae. Maybe.